"A crucifix? Oy vey, have you got the wrong vampire!"
"Ahem," said the Dragon, killing the party.
"And the mage draws her two handed sword." "We're in trouble."
"Bother," said Pooh, as Cthulhu rose up and ate him.
"Bother," said Pooh, as Dracula enfolded him in his cape.
"Bother," said Pooh, as he failed another melee combat roll.
"Bother," said Pooh, as he had no reflection in the mirror.
"Ding dong, the Lich is dead." "Of COURSE it's DEAD!"
"Hi! I'm a Nameless Horror, but you can call me Fred!"
"I'd rather be eaten by a dragon." "That can be arranged."
"If that bard starts singing `100 Bottles of Beer' again..."
"Natural 20!" - Player "Miss!" - DM "Uh oh..." - Player
"Never trust anything you can eat." - Old dragon proverb
"Of course I'm a wizard, son. I've got a tall pointy hat!"
"What're you going to do," laughed the dragon, "arrest me for smoking?"
#1 D&D Rule: Never insult the person who holds the dice.
(A)bort, (R)etry, (B)anish it?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (B)lame a Tinker Gnome?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (C)ast Disintegrate?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (D)ragonflame it?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (H)it With Vorpal Sword?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (S)end into Wildspace?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (S)ummon Elminster?
*Munchkins* cast Control Cthulhu.
1st Rule of GMing... IF THEY SPLIT UP, GIGGLE INSANELY!
A Red Dragon? I pull out my Wand of Marshmallows.
A fight to the death with a vampire has a few inherent problems....
AD&D Famous Last Words: "+25 to hit, +30 damage? YOU GO FIRST!"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "...and you're UGLY, too!"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "12 Death Knights? I close the door..."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "A 25th level mage/cleric? I pinch her butt!"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "A lich, huh? No problem; I steal his spellbook."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Am I seeing things or is that a dragon?"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "At least, lightning never strikes twice..."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Aw... isn't that the cutest little Snarf Beast?"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Beholder--beschmolder Let me at it!"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Brak? That's a stupid name for a barbarian."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "But it's ONLY an Eye Tyrant..."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "But it's only a LITTLE red dragon."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "C'MON GUYS! LET'S SHOW HER WHO'S BOSS!"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "C'mon DM, let's see some REAL monsters!"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Can I have a succubus for a familiar?"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Can my sword talk to your axe?"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Dammit, this thing won't die!"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Damn, Tiamat - you're one UGLY dragon..."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Did I REALLY???"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Don't worry - it doesn't bite..."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Don't worry, I can handle it."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Don't worry, it doesn't eat meat..."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Dragon HORDE? I thought y'said Dragon HOARD!"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Dragon? What dragon?"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Forget Demigorgon - I want that gold..."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Forget picking the lock, just kick the door down!"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Glad that's over. I'm taking off my armor."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Go ahead! I dare you!"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Ha! I NEVER pay income tax!"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Have I ever let you down before?"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Heck, I could beat Elminster ANYDAY!"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Here, let me show you."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Hey, Cthulhu! Eat me!"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Hey, Dragon - got a light?"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Hey, I know a dragon when I see one."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "How many hit points do I have? Let me check."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "I bet it's an illusion."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "I didn't think ANYTHING did 40-400 hp damage."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "I disarmed the trap."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "I don't see any archers..."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "I drank WHAT?"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "I found the TRAAAAaaaaaaaapppp!"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "I go up to the Lich and try to pick his pocket."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "I got bit by a *what*?"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "I know that's an illusionary dragon!"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "I lit the emergency candle. Why is it hissing?"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "I missed with a natural 20?"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "I never heard of a 'sword of party slaying.'"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "I pay my taxes in copper pieces..."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "I snap the staff in two..."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "I think it's dead..."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "I think the dragon's asleep..."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "I thought YOU silenced the guard!"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "I wait until I can see its eyes..."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "I want to challenge my god to a duel..."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "I'm not afraid..."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "It's dangerous, but think of the XP's!"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "It's not poisonous..."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "It's perfectly safe. Let me show you..."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Let's not worry about that now..."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Lets goose that sleeping dragon!"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Lolth, Schmolth - get Ms. Ugly outa my way!"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Lookit that li'l bunny sittin' on the stump"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Magic users are WIMPS!"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Make me! I dare you..."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Mongols? I don' see no Mo-" <THWEEEeeeCHUNK>
AD&D Famous Last Words: "NOTHING does 20-200 points of damage!"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Naw - it's just sleeping..."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "No one ever died from it..."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "No true wizard ever breaks his word."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Nope. No trap on THIS chest..."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Nothing can penetrate this armor!"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Nothing ever happens on the first level."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Of course I searched for traps."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Oh Shit!"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Oh man, this is a WUSSY dungeon!"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Oh, don't be so paranoid..."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "One skeleton? No problem..."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Oooops..."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Ow! Where have I put my vorpal sword?!"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Relax. Nothing ever happens at first level."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Right, and I'm the Prince of Thieves..."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "So what good is a ring of Cthulhu control?"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Stand back you wimps - *I* will kill it!"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "That could never happen here"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "That's its 43rd attack, can I draw my sword now?"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "That's not a Beholder. It's a Spectator..."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "That's one HELL of a tan, Miss Glasya..."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "The DM won't let us die!"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "The DM's an idiot."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Then we just clip this little wire here..."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "They're JUST kobolds. What're you scared of?"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "This dungeon is a pushover."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "This is an *easy* dungeon."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "This is the safe way to do it..."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "This looks like a safe place to camp."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "This should be easy"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "This trap is too simple."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Those Orcs couldn't hit an elephant at thi-"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Trolls are wimps! Nyah, nyah, nyah!"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Trolls regenerate?"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Trust me! I'm an expert!"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Was I the only one who heard that click?"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Watch me goose that sleeping dragon!"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "We hire Orcus to be our guide "
AD&D Famous Last Words: "We really didn't need a Cleric anyway."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "We should have become farmers..."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Well, I think that's the last of them..."
AD&D Famous Last Words: "What do you mean I hit with negative damage?"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "What pit?"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "What's a 'pantheon', and why is it mad at me?"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "What's the worse that town can do? Lynch us?"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Where'd that arrow come from?"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "Why is the DM laughing?"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "You and what army?"
AD&D Famous Last Words: "You saw a WHAT around the corner?"
AD&D Mistake #01: Insulting anything twice your size
AD&D Mistake #04: Keeping your magical items within reach of children
AD&D Mistake #08: Giving your DM a 1d100 when he rolls to-hit
AD&D Mistake #10: Scratching your back with a dagger of venom
AD&D Mistake #15: Thinking that THAC0 is Mexican cuisine
AD&D Mistake #29: Vandalizing the wizard's guild
AD&D Mistake #30: Torturing a deity's favorite cleric
AD&D Mistake #31: Grabbing the DM's bag of chips
AD&D Mistake #41: Teaching a barbarian how to cast lightning bolts
AD&D Mistake #42: Being knighted with a Sword of Life Stealing
AD&D Mistake #43: Lifting up the veil at a Medusa wedding
AD&D Mistake #44: Breaking into a strange tower surrounded by mist
AD&D Mistake #50: Assuming anything
AD&D Mistake #51: Forgetting to chip into the DM's pizza fund
AD&D Mistake #52: Going to the bathroom during a battle
AD&D Mistake #59: Looking for the beauty in the eye of a beholder
AD&D Mistake #70: Taking sleep-therapy classes from a vampire
AD&D Quote: "That's okay, the spikes broke his fall."
AD&D Quote: "I want a dragon as a familiar."
Aluminum Dragons also do 3d6 of krinkle damage.
And so he road into battle, bearing the standard of confusion.
Asking a male Red Dragon, "Hey pal, got a light..." isn't a good idea
Attacked by Giant Lemmings - take 6d6 laughing damage.
Bad DM!: "Flaming Plasma Death" is a spell?
Bad DM!: "Spontaneous Decompression" is a spell?
Bad DM!: "What do you mean the devil ate my soul?
Bad DM!: A *PACK* of tarrasques?!?
Bad DM!: A whole village of drow living in Evermeet... riiiight...
Bad DM!: All of the kobolds hit us, even with -5 AC *EACH*?
Bad DM!: Are we all being disintergrated, or is it just me?
Bad DM!: Aren't Radiant Dragons only found in SPACE?
Bad DM!: But I'm already *DEAD*!
Bad DM!: But the A-bomb hasn't been invented yet!
Bad DM!: Can we PUH-LEASE use store bought modules from now on?
Bad DM!: Each of the kobolds has a 'Wand of Orcus'?!?
Bad DM!: Enemy mages get no upper limit to their fireballs?
Bad DM!: Gee, thanx. As if having two arms was challenging enough!
Bad DM!: He has a magic resistance of *WHAT*?!
Bad DM!: He hits, and... I'm gonna need some more dice!
Bad DM!: Hey! You're hogging the chips... What do you mean "I DIE??!?"
Bad DM!: How come that fireball only affects us and not the kobolds?
Bad DM!: How did BattleMechs get into this dungeon?
Bad DM!: How the hell's a GARGANTUA pursuing us in a 10' wide corridor?
Bad DM!: I didn't even know Zeus was mad at me.
Bad DM!: I didn't think *ANYTHING* did 40-400 points of damage...
Bad DM!: I don't think railguns have been invented yet.
Bad DM!: I missed with a natural 20?
Bad DM!: I need *WHAT* for a spell component?!?!
Bad DM!: I never heard of a 'sword of party member slaying.'
Bad DM!: I think a mace is a handheld weapon, not a spray...
Bad DM!: I thought orcs had only 1 hit die?
Bad DM!: I was not aware that spells had a chance to backfire.
Bad DM!: Just how many 30th level wizards are there in this village?
Bad DM!: No seriously, how much damage did I take?
Bad DM!: Not another god to fight!
Bad DM!: Swords and daggers are the only weapons available?!
Bad DM!: That's its 43rd attack, can we draw our swords now?
Bad DM!: That's okay, the spikes broke his fall.
Bad DM!: That's one tough kobold...
Bad DM!: Tinker gnomes invented Uzis?
Bad DM!: Until now, I didn't know arch-devils travelled in groups.
Bad DM!: WHAT? A RIFTS Conversion book? This is AD&D!!!
Bad DM!: We should have become farmers.
Bad DM!: We were surprised by a 55' dinosaur hiding in an empty field.
Bad DM!: What do you mean, "Bend over if I want the magic sword"??
Bad DM!: You don't use saving throws?
Bad DM!: You're rolling *10D20* for random encounters!?
Beware of Dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup!
Blood detected. Run VAMPIRE.BAT? (Y/N)
Cry, "Shhhh!" and slip quietly out the Dragon's door...
DM Advice: Used character sheets make good tinder.
Death is merely a chance to roll a new character.
Do not anger a Bard, for you are silly and would make a funny song.
Dragons again? I activate my +6 St. George Surface-to-Air Missile.
Dragons aren't extinct, they've just learned to hide in books.
Dragons make great pets. Just put down LOTS of newspaper.
Dragonslayer needed. No experience expected.
Ever wonder how Mages learn Power Word Kill?
Everything I Needed To Know, I Learned on Dungeon Level 0.
I found an immortality spell with a lifetime guarantee!
I laugh in the face of danger! Then I hide until it goes away.
In gaming theory, life's a die, and then you bitch.
It is unwise to meddle in the affairs of wizards.
It's only 1,000 pts of Damage. It's not like it's going to kill you.
Jesus saves - Moses invests - Cthulhu squanders
Mages don't kill people! SPELLS kill people!
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons.
Monsters sleep because you are boring, not because they ever get tired.
Naughty dragon! You spank him!!!!!
Never play freeze tag with a White Dragon!
Never trust a barmaid that smiles through 5 o'clock shadow.
Never trust a smiling DM.
Never trust a smiling bard dating your only daughter.
Never trust a smiling crone holding a philter of love.
Never trust a smiling dragon picking its teeth with a two-handed sword.
Never trust a smiling succubus holding a pot of lip rouge.
Never trust a smiling thief throwing dice.
Never trust a smiling tinker gnome in a chastity belt store.
No one likes a beast with an attitude... or a dragon with a chest-cold.
Oxymoron: A vampire named Dawn.
PC AD&D: Chaotic Evil characters are now "moral relativists."
PC AD&D: Cursed is now "displaying a non-beneficial magical aura."
PC AD&D: NPC's - henceforth referred to as "free-will impaired."
PC AD&D: NPC's - henceforth referred to as "persons of limited destiny."
PC AD&D: Peasants are now "people of limited resources."
PC AD&D: Thieves are now "agents of economic redistribution."
PC AD&D: Trap doors are now "artifically-induced unstable floors."
PC AD&D: Treasure is now "exploitation of the previously conquered."
Remember, sometimes the dragon wins.
Sometimes, the best magic wand is a 2X4, well wielded...
Speak softly and carry the Staff of the Archmage.
The DragonKill War is named for what the dragons DID!
The Dyslexic Bard: Master-of-all-trades, jack of none.
The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.
Vampire Error: (A)vert, (R)eflect, (I)mpale?
When in doubt, FIREBALL!