#1 Rule: Never insult the person who holds the dice.
1st Rule of GMing... IF THEY SPLIT UP, GIGGLE INSANELY!
"A crucifix? Oy vey, have you got the wrong vampire!"
A fight to the death with a vampire has a few inherent problems....
"Ahem," said the Dragon, killing the party.
Aluminum Dragons also do 3d6 of krinkle damage.
"And the wizard draws her two handed sword." "We're in trouble."
A red dragon? I pull out my Wand of Marshmallows.
Asking a male Red Dragon, "Hey pal, got a light..." isn't a good idea.
Attacked by Giant Lemmings - take 6d6 laughing damage.
Bad GM!: A PACK of tarrasques?!?
Bad GM!: All of the kobolds hit us, even with 25 AC EACH?
Bad GM!: Aren't Radiant Dragons only found in SPACE?
Bad GM!: Are we all being disintergrated, or is it just me?
Bad GM!: A whole village of drow living in Evermeet... riiiight...
Bad GM!: But I'm already DEAD!
Bad GM!: But the A-bomb hasn't been invented yet!
Bad GM!: Can we PUH-LEASE use store bought modules from now on?
Bad GM!: Each of the kobolds has a Wand of Orcus?!?
Bad GM!: Enemy wizards get no upper limit to their fireballs?
Bad GM!: Flaming Plasma Death is a spell?
Bad GM!: Gee, thanx. As if having two arms was challenging enough!
Bad GM!: He has a magic resistance of WHAT?!
Bad GM!: He hits, and... I'm gonna need some more dice!
Bad GM!: Hey! You're hogging the chips... What do you mean "I DIE??!?"
Bad GM!: How come that fireball only affects us and not the kobolds?
Bad GM!: How did BattleMechs get into this dungeon?
Bad GM!: How the hell's a GARGANTUA pursuing us in a 10' wide corridor?
Bad GM!: I didn't even know Zeus was mad at me.
Bad GM!: I didn't think ANYTHING did 40-400 points of damage...
Bad GM!: I don't think railguns have been invented yet.
Bad GM!: I missed with a natural 20?
Bad GM!: I need WHAT for a spell component?!?!
Bad GM!: I never heard of a Sword of Party Member Slaying.
Bad GM!: I think a mace is a handheld weapon, not a spray...
Bad GM!: I thought orcs had only 1 hit die?
Bad GM!: I was not aware that spells had a chance to backfire.
Bad GM!: Just how many 30th level wizards are there in this village?
Bad GM!: No seriously, how much damage did I take?
Bad GM!: Not another god to fight!
Bad GM!: Spontaneous Decompression is a spell?
Bad GM!: Swords and daggers are the only weapons available?!
Bad GM!: That's its 43rd attack, can we draw our swords now?
Bad GM!: That's okay, the spikes broke his fall.
Bad GM!: That's one tough kobold...
Bad GM!: Tinker gnomes invented Uzis?
Bad GM!: Until now, I didn't know arch-devils travelled in groups.
Bad GM!: We should have become farmers.
Bad GM!: We were surprised by a 55' dinosaur hiding in an empty field?
Bad GM!: What do you mean 'bend over if I want the magic sword'??
Bad GM!: What do you mean 'the devil ate my soul'??
Bad GM!: You don't use saving throws?
Bad GM!: You're rolling 10d20 for random encounters!?
Beware of Dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
"Bother," said Pooh, as Cthulhu rose up and ate him.
"Bother," said Pooh, as Dracula enfolded him in his cape.
"Bother," said Pooh, as he failed another melee combat roll.
"Bother," said Pooh, as he had no reflection in the mirror.
Cry, "Shhhh!" and slip quietly out the Dragon's door...
D&DQ: I don't want to profit from this experience... except for taking their blood.
D&DQ: I'm Chaotic Petty.
Death is merely a chance to roll a new character.
"Ding dong, the Lich is dead." "Of COURSE it's DEAD!"
Do not anger a Bard, for you are silly and would make a funny song.
Dragons again? I activate my +6 St. George Surface-to-Air Missile.
Dragons aren't extinct, they've just learned to hide in books.
Dragonslayer needed. No experience expected.
Dragons make great pets. Just put down LOTS of newspaper.
Ever wonder how wizards learn Power Word Kill?
Everything I Needed To Know, I Learned on Dungeon Level 0.
Famous Last Words: "12 Death Knights? I close the door..."
Famous Last Words: "+25 to hit, +30 damage? YOU GO FIRST!"
Famous Last Words: "A 25th level wizard/cleric? I pinch her butt!"
Famous Last Words: "A lich, huh? No problem; I steal his spellbook."
Famous Last Words: "Am I seeing things or is that a dragon?"
Famous Last Words: "At least, lightning never strikes twice..."
Famous Last Words: "Aw... isn't that the cutest little Snarf Beast?"
Famous Last Words: "Beholder, beschmolder. Let me at it!"
Famous Last Words: "Brak? That's a stupid name for a barbarian."
Famous Last Words: "But it's ONLY an Eye Tyrant..."
Famous Last Words: "But it's only a LITTLE red dragon."
Famous Last Words: "C'MON GUYS! LET'S SHOW HER WHO'S BOSS!"
Famous Last Words: "Can I have a succubus for a familiar?"
Famous Last Words: "Can my sword talk to your axe?"
Famous Last Words: "C'mon GM, let's see some REAL monsters!"
Famous Last Words: "Dammit, this thing won't die!"
Famous Last Words: "Damn, Tiamat - you're one UGLY dragon..."
Famous Last Words: "Did I REALLY???"
Famous Last Words: "Don't worry, I can handle it."
Famous Last Words: "Don't worry, it doesn't bite..."
Famous Last Words: "Don't worry, it doesn't eat meat..."
Famous Last Words: "Dragon HORDE? I thought y'said Dragon HOARD!"
Famous Last Words: "Dragon? What dragon?"
Famous Last Words: "Forget Demigorgon - I want that gold..."
Famous Last Words: "Forget picking the lock, just kick the door down!"
Famous Last Words: "Glad that's over. I'm taking off my armor."
Famous Last Words: "Go ahead! I dare you!"
Famous Last Words: "Ha! I NEVER pay income tax!"
Famous Last Words: "Have I ever let you down before?"
Famous Last Words: "Heck, I could beat Elminster ANYDAY!"
Famous Last Words: "Here, let me show you."
Famous Last Words: "Hey, Cthulhu! Eat me!"
Famous Last Words: "Hey, Dragon - got a light?"
Famous Last Words: "Hey, I know a dragon when I see one."
Famous Last Words: "How many hit points do I have? Let me check."
Famous Last Words: "I bet it's an illusion."
Famous Last Words: "I disarmed the trap."
Famous Last Words: "I don't see any archers..."
Famous Last Words: "I drank WHAT?"
Famous Last Words: "I found the TRAAAAaaaaaaaapppp!"
Famous Last Words: "I got bit by a what?"
Famous Last Words: "I go up to the Lich and try to pick his pocket."
Famous Last Words: "I know that's an illusionary dragon!"
Famous Last Words: "I lit the emergency candle. Why is it hissing?"
Famous Last Words: "I missed with a natural 20?"
Famous Last Words: "I'm not afraid..."
Famous Last Words: "I never heard of a Sword of Party Slaying."
Famous Last Words: "I pay my taxes in copper pieces..."
Famous Last Words: "I snap the staff in two..."
Famous Last Words: "I think it's dead..."
Famous Last Words: "I think the dragon's asleep..."
Famous Last Words: "I thought YOU silenced the guard!"
Famous Last Words: "It's dangerous, but think of the XPs!"
Famous Last Words: "It's not poisonous..."
Famous Last Words: "It's perfectly safe. Let me show you..."
Famous Last Words: "I wait until I can see its eyes..."
Famous Last Words: "I want to challenge my god to a duel..."
Famous Last Words: "Lets goose that sleeping dragon!"
Famous Last Words: "Let's not worry about that now..."
Famous Last Words: "Lolth, Schmolth. Get Ms. Ugly outa my way!"
Famous Last Words: "Lookie that li'l bunny sittin' on the stump"
Famous Last Words: "Magic users are WIMPS!"
Famous Last Words: "Make me! I dare you..."
Famous Last Words: "Mongols? I don' see no Mo-" <THWEEEeeeCHUNK!>
Famous Last Words: "NOTHING does 50-500 points of damage!"
Famous Last Words: "Naw - it's just sleeping..."
Famous Last Words: "No one ever died from it..."
Famous Last Words: "Nope. No trap on THIS chest..."
Famous Last Words: "Nothing can penetrate this armor!"
Famous Last Words: "Nothing ever happens on the first level."
Famous Last Words: "No true wizard ever breaks his word."
Famous Last Words: "Of course I searched for traps."
Famous Last Words: "Oh, don't be so paranoid..."
Famous Last Words: "Oh man, this is a WUSSY dungeon!"
Famous Last Words: "Oh shit!"
Famous Last Words: "One skeleton? No problem..."
Famous Last Words: "Oooops..."
Famous Last Words: "Ow! Where have I put my vorpal sword?!"
Famous Last Words: "Relax. Nothing ever happens at first level."
Famous Last Words: "Right, and I'm the Prince of Thieves..."
Famous Last Words: "So what good is a ring of Cthulhu control?"
Famous Last Words: "Stand back you wimps - I will kill it!"
Famous Last Words: "That could never happen here"
Famous Last Words: "That's its 43rd attack, can I draw my sword now?"
Famous Last Words: "That's not a Beholder. It's a Spectator..."
Famous Last Words: "That's one HELL of a tan, Miss Glasya..."
Famous Last Words: "The GM's an idiot."
Famous Last Words: "The GM won't let us die!"
Famous Last Words: "Then we just clip this little wire here..."
Famous Last Words: "They're JUST kobolds. What're you scared of?"
Famous Last Words: "This dungeon is a pushover."
Famous Last Words: "This is an easy dungeon."
Famous Last Words: "This is the safe way to do it..."
Famous Last Words: "This looks like a safe place to camp."
Famous Last Words: "This should be easy"
Famous Last Words: "This trap is too simple."
Famous Last Words: "Those Orcs couldn't hit an elephant at this range."
Famous Last Words: "Trolls are wimps! Nyah, nyah, nyah!"
Famous Last Words: "Trolls regenerate?"
Famous Last Words: "Trust me! I'm an expert!"
Famous Last Words: "Was I the only one who heard that click?"
Famous Last Words: "Watch me goose that sleeping dragon!"
Famous Last Words: "We hire Orcus to be our guide "
Famous Last Words: "Well, I think that's the last of them..."
Famous Last Words: "We really didn't need a Cleric anyway."
Famous Last Words: "We should have become farmers..."
Famous Last Words: "What do you mean I hit with negative damage?"
Famous Last Words: "What pit?"
Famous Last Words: "What's a 'pantheon' and why is it mad at me?"
Famous Last Words: "What's the worse that town can do? Lynch us?"
Famous Last Words: "Where'd that arrow come from?"
Famous Last Words: "Why is the GM laughing?"
Famous Last Words: "You and what army?"
Famous Last Words: "You saw a WHAT around the corner?"
Famous Last Words: "...and you're UGLY, too!"
GM Advice: Used character sheets make good tinder.
"Hi! I'm a Nameless Horror, but you can call me Fred!"
"I'd rather be eaten by a dragon." "That can be arranged."
I found an immortality spell with a lifetime guarantee!
"If that bard starts singing '100 Bottles of Beer' again..."
I laugh in the face of danger! Then I hide until it goes away.
In gaming theory, life's a die, and then you bitch.
It is unwise to meddle in the affairs of wizards.
It's only 1,000 pts of damage. It's not like it's going to kill you.
"I want a dragon as a familiar."
Jesus saves - Moses invests - Cthulhu squanders
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons.
Mistake #01: Insulting anything twice your size
Mistake #04: Keeping your magical items within reach of children
Mistake #08: Giving your GM a d100 when he rolls to-hit
Mistake #10: Scratching your back with a dagger of venom
Mistake #29: Vandalizing the wizard's guild
Mistake #30: Torturing a deity's favorite cleric
Mistake #31: Grabbing the GM's bag of chips
Mistake #41: Teaching a barbarian how to cast lightning bolts
Mistake #42: Being knighted with a Sword of Life Stealing
Mistake #43: Lifting up the veil at a Medusa wedding
Mistake #44: Breaking into a strange tower surrounded by mist
Mistake #50: Assuming anything
Mistake #51: Forgetting to chip into the GM's pizza fund
Mistake #52: Going to the bathroom during a battle
Mistake #59: Looking for the beauty in the eye of a beholder
Mistake #70: Taking sleep-therapy classes from a vampire
Monsters sleep because you are boring, not because they ever get tired.
Munchkins cast Control Cthulhu.
Naughty dragon! You spank him!!!!!
Never play freeze tag with a White Dragon.
Never trust a barmaid that smiles through 5 o'clock shadow.
"Never trust anything you can eat." - Old dragon proverb
Never trust a smiling GM.
Never trust a smiling bard dating your only daughter.
Never trust a smiling crone holding a philter of love.
Never trust a smiling dragon picking its teeth with a two-handed sword.
Never trust a smiling succubus holding a pot of lip rouge.
Never trust a smiling thief throwing dice.
Never trust a smiling tinker gnome in a chastity belt store.
No one likes a beast with an attitude... or a dragon with a chest-cold.
OOC D&D: Am I still flanking from inside the frog?
OOC D&D: "And everyone, everywhere, started screaming." -- The DM
OOC D&D: And this is where the magic happens! And by magic I mean necromancy... mostly
OOC D&D: Are the goats heated or air-conditioned?
OOC D&D: Are you sure you want to trust black market Holy Water?
OOC D&D: Are you trying to apply Morse code through the cat?
OOC D&D: But think about how much we could get if we work really hard for honest pay and then steal everything afterwards.
OOC D&D: By all means try and bluff the eldritch abomination.
OOC D&D: Can I do rock paper scissors with god?
OOC D&D: Can I get inspiration from my mom cheering for me?
OOC D&D: Can I multiclass my badger into a therapy badger?
OOC D&D: Can I perform a "DM is lying" check?
OOC D&D: Can I roll a common sense roll?
OOC D&D: Can I roll for how good my hair looks?
OOC D&D: Can I roll to get a new group?
OOC D&D: Can I seduce the tree?
OOC D&D: Can everyone please stop overreacting? It was only a murder!
OOC D&D: Cannibalism is weird, but I do it for my new squid friend.
OOC D&D: Congratulations. Because of you, the map is on fire. Permanently.
OOC D&D: Could you please be quiet, we're trying to worship chaos here.
OOC D&D: Crying out in ecstasy is a free action.
OOC D&D: Did the skeleton look like it was tall and handsome?
OOC D&D: Did your parents never give you the bribes and poisons talk?
OOC D&D: Do I have to roll to take their skulls?
OOC D&D: "Does my bulletproof vest glow?" "No, you can speak Spanish."
OOC D&D: Does the raccoon accept Venmo?
OOC D&D: Don't flirt with my nemesis!
OOC D&D: Do we have to water our motorcycle?
OOC D&D: Do you have ANY IDEA how hard it is to fit that much glitter into a robot that small?!
OOC D&D: Do you have any of those large pots elves like to boil themselves in?
OOC D&D: For valiantly withstanding your assault, the wall gains 800 xp. The wall levels up, and multiclasses into a door.
OOC D&D: Good job. You've lubed the goblin.
OOC D&D: Have you ever seen a really menacing parrot?
OOC D&D: Having a corpse on the floor is fine but we draw the line at robot dogs indoors?
OOC D&D: He's just lightly possessed.
OOC D&D: Hey kid, I'll show you my eyesocket for two gold.
OOC D&D: Hi! Billy Mays here with Prestidigitation!
OOC D&D: Hi, I'm Vlad and I'm a sorcerer. And this is my horse, Horceror.
OOC D&D: I am covered in butter and therefore invincible to all powers but the divine!
OOC D&D: I am going to act sick and vomit bees onto this man.
OOC D&D: I ask the spoon for directions.
OOC D&D: I can't believe you got us banned from the moon.
OOC D&D: I don't know how finances work! I'm a goblin!
OOC D&D: I don't see the chicken economy in Neverwinter recovering.
OOC D&D: I'd rather you not murder people. Not because it's wrong, but because you're 10.
OOC D&D: I eat the spaghetti out of my friend.
OOC D&D: If they wanted us to go in the front door then they would have locked it!
OOC D&D: If we hit things enough, plot will fall out.
OOC D&D: If you're not using those eyeballs can I have them?
OOC D&D: If you're not wearing heavy armour you can make bad decisions faster.
OOC D&D: I get the sense we've finally encountered a problem where murder isn't the optimal solution.
OOC D&D: I have always wanted to be a pixie ninja. It's been my dream ever since I learned what a ninja was five minutes ago.
OOC D&D: I have high hopes for an interesting microclimate phenomenon, but it's probably just magic again.
OOC D&D: I impale the merchant in his sleep. How does his wife react?
OOC D&D: I investigate the nearest hole. Don't take that out of context.
OOC D&D: I'll make a heal check later, right now I'm vomiting spiders.
OOC D&D: I'm a fighter! I care not for literature!
OOC D&D: I'm armed and naked. Doesn't that do something for you?
OOC D&D: I'm going to STRIKE THE FEAR OF GOD into this clock.
OOC D&D: I'm making a definitive call as the DM right now that that didn't happen because thinking about it makes me feel weird
OOC D&D: I'm not going back there! They tried to make my girlfriend a sheep!
OOC D&D: I'm rolling to see if I care... Ok, I care.
OOC D&D: I'm with him on this one; let's not go to Hell.
OOC D&D: I now realize that letting you summon a kraken at will was an extremely poor choice.
OOC D&D: I only murdered one guy! How does that make me a bad person?
OOC D&D: I projectile vomit ten feet of spiders.
OOC D&D: I rolled a 14 to dodge the night.
OOC D&D: I scream at the werewolf, "No hard feelings, you seem to have a really good educational system!" before I cut her in half.
OOC D&D: Is this a portal to the elemental plane of bears?
OOC D&D: It doesn't answer. It's a rock.
OOC D&D: I thought urination was a free action?
OOC D&D: I try to seduce the lock.
OOC D&D: It's me I'm a little baby owl. I'm drunk.
OOC D&D: It's never good when the skull glows.
OOC D&D: It works because we made it up!
OOC D&D: I've never suffered so much to get a library card.
OOC D&D: I was her bagpipe lover.
OOC D&D: I was hired to kill you not three minutes ago. At least wait three to five business days before trying to hit on me.
OOC D&D: I would like to ask about the flammability of bananas.
OOC D&D: Kobolds are just friends we haven't made yet.
OOC D&D: Listen, Bro, I know I need to win this game of Operation to save our immortal souls, but like I love you.
OOC D&D: Make an agility check. (rolls 11) You have a good time on the jungle gym.
OOC D&D: Mephistopheles accepts your challenge to a bake-off.
OOC D&D: My alignment is bees.
OOC D&D: My axes are named Tramp and Stamp.
OOC D&D: Nic Cage is now dead.
OOC D&D: No one wanted this, not even the person who cast it.
OOC D&D: No you cannot eat the roof.
OOC D&D: No, you do not attune to the chicken.
OOC D&D: Of course I'm on the bed. Where else would the bard be?
OOC D&D: Please, dear god, lubricate the bear.
OOC D&D: Please, just take the goblin out of the tutu.
OOC D&D: Quit hazing the NPCs.
OOC D&D: Roll against your better judgment.
OOC D&D: Roll for sass.
OOC D&D: Roll to look uncomfortable.
OOC D&D: So now you have a gay robot pterodactyl lover.
OOC D&D: Sorry, I have to go. I, um, left my cat on.
OOC D&D: Sorry about all the arson, I was trying to not die and got carried away.
OOC D&D: Sorry for any potential damage done to your octopus.
OOC D&D: So that pocket dimension is now condemned and slowly filling with knife wielding gnomes. That's a deposit I won't ever get back.
OOC D&D: So the better we rob him, the legaler it gets?
OOC D&D: So, who's sticking their arm in the owlbear?
OOC D&D: So, you're going to make your unseen servant make sloppy make out noises?
OOC D&D: Space isn't actually that scary when you've eaten a part of it.
OOC D&D: Talk to me about computers, you giant rat monster!
OOC D&D: That's when we put them to sleep. With my sleep spell. It's called 'dagger'.
OOC D&D: The Sun is no longer interested in you
OOC D&D: The bandits now wholly and fully believe you are geologists.
OOC D&D: The dire goat bleats to challenge the bear's dominance.
OOC D&D: The exploding lions won't kill you!
OOC D&D: The pigeon knows abyssal.
OOC D&D: The rug will now retaliate for your transgressions.
OOC D&D: They made a bad life choice by being worth XP.
OOC D&D: This giant goat has an intelligence of 6 and is Chaotic Evil, just like a small child!
OOC D&D: Those potions cost two kids worth of gold?!!
OOC D&D: Unfortunately, you've already used your action to cry.
OOC D&D: WHO HERE'S HORNY FOR MINING?!
OOC D&D: We can't kill the cannibal pony, I love her.
OOC D&D: We have a golden opportunity here to make people think the Rapture has started and they weren't chosen.
OOC D&D: We're going to teach these orphans to search for food, water and parents.
OOC D&D: We're here to topple your government.
OOC D&D: We've only got a minute, find the chapter on snake bondage!
OOC D&D: What do I have to roll to secrete bullets?
OOC D&D: What would I roll to convince the enemy that I have no nipples?
OOC D&D: When someone says they have a really interesting character concept, what they really mean is they have a character who is terrible in groups.
OOC D&D: When you think about it, a creature is just an object with more blood.
OOC D&D: YOU'VE JUST BROUGHT A CROSSBOW TO A CHAIR FIGHT!
OOC D&D: Yeah; 'You will not survive,' then 50 hands come out of my back.
OOC D&D: Yeah, if it doesn't have eyes, I generally feel confident in saying... it's not a super normal deer.
OOC D&D: You begin gently beating the wizard to death. Again.
OOC D&D: You can come back from the dead, but you can't come back from Florida.
OOC D&D: You can take a bonus action to pull your pants up, or you can keep going with your undies showing.
OOC D&D: You can't be diplomatic when you're covered in someone else!
OOC D&D: You can't detect magic on the door. No, you can't intimidate the door. No, the door isn't inherently evil.
OOC D&D: You can't just lay claim to the concept of stealing
OOC D&D: You can't just mention four families vying for power and not expect us to start a coup!
OOC D&D: You can't set water on fire just because you rolled a critical.
OOC D&D: You crack open the goat egg and out falls a loaf of cheese.
OOC D&D: You don't need to skill check a golf clap.
OOC D&D: You got a pretty good way, you managed to invent the concept of Italy which is a good start.
OOC D&D: You just hit a big metal door with a big metal hammer, you big metal idiot.
OOC D&D: You know what, fine. Roll to find out which crickets are horny and which are scared.
OOC D&D: You need to stop stealing people, it won't summon Shaq.
OOC D&D: You put on the enchanted mask. It's needlessly dramatic and matches your aesthetic perfectly.
OOC D&D: Your Superior Darkvision lets you see your dad yelling at you 120 feet away.
OOC D&D: You're five years old! And my dad. You're My Five Year Old Dad, the classic 1280s sitcom.
OOC D&D: You're giving him too much credit. He doesn't plot our destruction. He compulsively acts upon whims of our destruction.
OOC D&D: Your stealth is so good you disappear from this plane of existence.
OOC D&D: You should have expected the mimic chicken.
OOC D&D: You successfully put the flesh back on the skeleton.
OOC D&D: You think killing our bard impresses us?
OOC D&D: You want to shove a sword through us to unkill us?
OOC D&D: (sigh) Fine. I rapid-shot the granny.
"Of course I'm a wizard, son. I've got a tall pointy hat!"
Oxymoron: A vampire named Dawn.
Political Correctness: Chaotic Evil characters are now "moral relativists".
Political Correctness: Cursed is now "displaying a non-beneficial magical aura".
Political Correctness: NPCs - henceforth referred to as "free-will impaired".
Political Correctness: NPCs - henceforth referred to as "persons of limited destiny".
Political Correctness: Peasants are now "people of limited resources".
Political Correctness: Thieves are now "agents of economic redistribution".
Political Correctness: Trap doors are now "artifically-induced unstable floors".
Political Correctness: Treasure is now "exploitation of the previously conquered".
Remember, sometimes the dragon wins.
SMPS: And you receive a book titled What Drugs You Can Take and Not Hallucinate Aliens.
SMPS: Are abductees tax deductable?
SMPS: Can I burn this barn down? Please? It's empty. Please?
SMPS: Can I grab him? Like a hug of opportunity?
SMPS: Can we at least get to the actual roleplay before you try to get arrested???
SMPS: Can we make a chicken bomb?
SMPS: Death or Glory, I'm touching myself again!
SMPS: Don't kinkshame the abomination!
SMPS: Don't worry, crying is a free action.
SMPS: Don't you have daggers? Because you're all rogue-y stab stab?
SMPS: Go try to grapple that chicken real quick. I need to sit down and just consider my life choices.
SMPS: He has the emotional range of a teaspoon. That entire teaspoon is anger.
SMPS: He is lawful good but my player alignment is chaotic disorganized.
SMPS: How about this: You guys get in the cart, I pull the cart, I take crack and we go at a speed of 60.
SMPS: I AM NOT BEING TAKEN OUT BY FREDDY F*CKING FAZBEAR!!!
SMPS: I ROLL TO HAVE SEX WITH THE GOD OF MADNESS!
SMPS: I am an open book and that book is about frogs. Did you know frogs have teeth? Truly they are wise.
SMPS: If I didn't get it off a corpse, I don't trust it.
SMPS: If I try hard enough I could stab him with my mouth
SMPS: If it isn't sunshine and muffins, I don't give half a rainbow. Now let's murder us some evil meatbags.
SMPS: If we get arrested we'll break out like super easy. It'll be fine.
SMPS: I give my players what they want; angst and pregnancy.
SMPS: I have the powers of death itself! And the power to create an affordable retirement plan.
SMPS: I just wanted to play bass guitar and destroy a satellite. Instead, I'm naked and killing werewolves while covered in cat piss.
SMPS: I leave for 2 minutes to go to the store, AND YOU ADOPT A CHILD.
SMPS: I like my women like I like my coffee: lawful evil.
SMPS: I'll charm my way out and if not I'll stab a bitch.
SMPS: I'm Chaotic Neutral not Chaotic Stupid!
SMPS: I mean you CAN split the party...
SMPS: I'm from fantasy west Texas!
SMPS: I'm going to make a campaign for my other friends about hunting your party down.
SMPS: I'm not chaotic evil, I'm just hungry.
SMPS: I'm not covering my dragon with butter!
SMPS: I'm not undead, I'm just old!
SMPS: I'm so glad your character exists, because otherwise I would have spent a whole class making up an entire gnome religion for nothing.
SMPS: "I'm surprised you haven't tried seducing the que-" "I ROLL TO SEDUCE THE DRIDER QUEEN!!!!"
SMPS: I must kill the vampire with this steel potato for only then will the Irish have their vengence.
SMPS: Incidentally, the sheep are difficult terrain.
SMPS: I roll for performance to play Darude - Sandstorm on the banjo.
SMPS: Is the rug prone?
SMPS: It's like shooting fish in a barrel! Only, the barrel is under a horse.
SMPS: It was all going smoothly until we tried to intimidate the footprints in the mud.
SMPS: It was raining slugs and I have some questions.
SMPS: I would like to spend the rest of my turn petting as many dogs as I can.
SMPS: Last time I accepted a sealed envelope with my name on it, I ended up with a head full of bees.
SMPS: Let's turn his parents into corpses! With imagination!
SMPS: Mr. DM, if I duct tape a crossbow to a bear is it a siege weapon?
SMPS: No, you are not getting your powers from killing Santa Claus!
SMPS: Oh joy, the POISONED STAIRCASE!
SMPS: Oh, so when HE role plays, he gets inspiration, but when I role play, I fight a giant poisonous robot badger!
SMPS: Oh sure, you blame them for everything just because they're a religious cult!
SMPS: Okay guys. I have a plan. We just need a fire truck and a priest.
SMPS: Ok, so either we beat the damn thing and we're heroes or we die and I finally get some peace and quiet from you idiots. It's a win-win.
SMPS: Ooooh noooo there's someone evil on the boat, what a supr- wait a second the rabbit is evil??
SMPS: Please roll for a ranged Pocket Bacon attack.
SMPS: ROLL TO CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE!!!
SMPS: Reduce, reuse, reanimate.
SMPS: Snakes, as strong as they may be, have a hard time pushing pianos.
SMPS: Sorry guys but I've changed my mind. All of you are no longer a group of adventures, you are now a traveling circus.
SMPS: So uh, do we just... go now?
SMPS: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Except Power Word: Kill. That'll hurt a LOT.
SMPS: Take his weapons, push him down the stairs and take his pants so he can't follow us.
SMPS: That's not a dragon, I promise. It's a Mexican hairless German Shepard.
SMPS: The dragon is nonplussed at your attempt to seduce her. It's nothing against you, she's just not in a good place emotionally right now.
SMPS: The horse's name is Opportunity and he gets an attack of opportunity.
SMPS: There's no jazz in hell!
SMPS: There's no time for kisses, you have clowns to stop!
SMPS: They're just dead bodies, no one is using them! I'm RECYCLING.
SMPS: This is going to be the dumbest roll of the night, but can I roll to see if I know if friendly bears smell differently than not friendly bears?
SMPS: This magic is very magic.
SMPS: To save my altar boy from the undead, I chop off his leg and throw it the other way as a distraction.
SMPS: Trust me, I'm from an island!
SMPS: Wanna see a magic trick? Stab-ra-kadabra! Now you're dead.
SMPS: We found the Stairway to Heaven, and it's filled with spiders.
SMPS: We just crossed over into the dream realm! We have literally escaped into a separate reality! Now is the perfect time for an existential crisis!
SMPS: We need to start a better cult to stop their cult.
SMPS: We've gone through two towns without causing an international incident, we're a little overdue.
SMPS: What is the f*cking POINT of this game if I dont get to murder bad guys, throw magic around and be hotter than I am in real life?!?!
SMPS: Why are we debating vocabulary in front of a skeleton?
SMPS: Why don't we fly our flying machine over the city and on the bottom we write, "If you’re a civilian, get out of the city, if you're not, don't read this."
SMPS: Wizard hurt my head with math! I go smash something now!
SMPS: Yay! Throwing corpses!
SMPS: You can either answer our questions, or you can get gently rocked by the Bugbear.
SMPS: You can't CHEW VODKA!
SMPS: You can't do that! That baby is not yet ripe!
SMPS: You can't intimidate your soul back into your body!
SMPS: You could be your old man character. Or you could carry on with your character as you ended last game: a naked old man on fire.
SMPS: You know, when I put this adventure in a forest I didn't expect to have to role play a TREE, but here we are.
SMPS: You see the kobold look confused. And then it's confused forever.
Sometimes, the best magic wand is a 2X4, well wielded...
Speak softly and carry The Staff of the Archmage.
"That's okay, the spikes broke his fall."
The DragonKill War is named for what the dragons DID!
The Dyslexic Bard: Master-of-all-trades, jack of none.
The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.
"What're you going to do," laughed the dragon, "arrest me for smoking?"
When in doubt, FIREBALL!
Wizards don't kill people! SPELLS kill people!