The following is a list of all the quotes that randomly appear on any page in The Dungeon. Most were sourced from unattributed lists on the web, but those marked "OOC D&D" come from Out of Context D&D Quotes.

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#1 Rule: Never insult the person who holds the dice.


"A crucifix? Oy vey, have you got the wrong vampire!"

A fight to the death with a vampire has a few inherent problems....

A red dragon? I pull out my Wand of Marshmallows.

"Ahem," said the Dragon, killing the party.

Aluminum Dragons also do 3d6 of krinkle damage.

"And the wizard draws her two handed sword."  "We're in trouble."

Asking a male Red Dragon, "Hey pal, got a light..." isn't a good idea.

Attacked by Giant Lemmings - take 6d6 laughing damage.

Bad GM!: A PACK of tarrasques?!?

Bad GM!: A whole village of drow living in Evermeet... riiiight...

Bad GM!: All of the kobolds hit us, even with 25 AC EACH?

Bad GM!: Are we all being disintergrated, or is it just me?

Bad GM!: Aren't Radiant Dragons only found in SPACE?

Bad GM!: But I'm already DEAD!

Bad GM!: But the A-bomb hasn't been invented yet!

Bad GM!: Can we PUH-LEASE use store bought modules from now on?

Bad GM!: Each of the kobolds has a Wand of Orcus?!?

Bad GM!: Enemy wizards get no upper limit to their fireballs?

Bad GM!: Flaming Plasma Death is a spell?

Bad GM!: Gee, thanx. As if having two arms was challenging enough!

Bad GM!: He has a magic resistance of WHAT?!

Bad GM!: He hits, and... I'm gonna need some more dice!

Bad GM!: Hey! You're hogging the chips... What do you mean "I DIE??!?"

Bad GM!: How come that fireball only affects us and not the kobolds?

Bad GM!: How did BattleMechs get into this dungeon?

Bad GM!: How the hell's a GARGANTUA pursuing us in a 10' wide corridor?

Bad GM!: I didn't even know Zeus was mad at me.

Bad GM!: I didn't think ANYTHING did 40-400 points of damage...

Bad GM!: I don't think railguns have been invented yet.

Bad GM!: I missed with a natural 20?

Bad GM!: I need WHAT for a spell component?!?!

Bad GM!: I never heard of a Sword of Party Member Slaying.

Bad GM!: I think a mace is a handheld weapon, not a spray...

Bad GM!: I thought orcs had only 1 hit die?

Bad GM!: I was not aware that spells had a chance to backfire.

Bad GM!: Just how many 30th level wizards are there in this village?

Bad GM!: No seriously, how much damage did I take?

Bad GM!: Not another god to fight!

Bad GM!: Spontaneous Decompression is a spell?

Bad GM!: Swords and daggers are the only weapons available?!

Bad GM!: That's its 43rd attack, can we draw our swords now?

Bad GM!: That's okay, the spikes broke his fall.

Bad GM!: That's one tough kobold...

Bad GM!: Tinker gnomes invented Uzis?

Bad GM!: Until now, I didn't know arch-devils travelled in groups.

Bad GM!: We should have become farmers.

Bad GM!: We were surprised by a 55' dinosaur hiding in an empty field?

Bad GM!: What do you mean 'the devil ate my soul'??

Bad GM!: What do you mean 'bend over if I want the magic sword'??

Bad GM!: You don't use saving throws?

Bad GM!: You're rolling 10d20 for random encounters!?

Beware of Dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

"Bother," said Pooh, as Cthulhu rose up and ate him.

"Bother," said Pooh, as Dracula enfolded him in his cape.

"Bother," said Pooh, as he failed another melee combat roll.

"Bother," said Pooh, as he had no reflection in the mirror.

Cry, "Shhhh!" and slip quietly out the Dragon's door...

Death is merely a chance to roll a new character.

"Ding dong, the Lich is dead."  "Of COURSE it's DEAD!"

Do not anger a Bard, for you are silly and would make a funny song.

Dragons again? I activate my +6 St. George Surface-to-Air Missile.

Dragons aren't extinct, they've just learned to hide in books.

Dragons make great pets. Just put down LOTS of newspaper.

Dragonslayer needed. No experience expected.

Ever wonder how wizards learn Power Word Kill?

Everything I Needed To Know, I Learned on Dungeon Level 0.

Famous Last Words: "+25 to hit, +30 damage? YOU GO FIRST!"

Famous Last Words: "...and you're UGLY, too!"

Famous Last Words: "12 Death Knights? I close the door..."

Famous Last Words: "A 25th level wizard/cleric? I pinch her butt!"

Famous Last Words: "A lich, huh? No problem; I steal his spellbook."

Famous Last Words: "Am I seeing things or is that a dragon?"

Famous Last Words: "At least, lightning never strikes twice..."

Famous Last Words: "Aw... isn't that the cutest little Snarf Beast?"

Famous Last Words: "Beholder, beschmolder. Let me at it!"

Famous Last Words: "Brak? That's a stupid name for a barbarian."

Famous Last Words: "But it's only a LITTLE red dragon."

Famous Last Words: "But it's ONLY an Eye Tyrant..."


Famous Last Words: "C'mon GM, let's see some REAL monsters!"

Famous Last Words: "Can I have a succubus for a familiar?"

Famous Last Words: "Can my sword talk to your axe?"

Famous Last Words: "Dammit, this thing won't die!"

Famous Last Words: "Damn, Tiamat - you're one UGLY dragon..."

Famous Last Words: "Did I REALLY???"

Famous Last Words: "Don't worry, I can handle it."

Famous Last Words: "Don't worry, it doesn't bite..."

Famous Last Words: "Don't worry, it doesn't eat meat..."

Famous Last Words: "Dragon HORDE? I thought y'said Dragon HOARD!"

Famous Last Words: "Dragon? What dragon?"

Famous Last Words: "Forget Demigorgon - I want that gold..."

Famous Last Words: "Forget picking the lock, just kick the door down!"

Famous Last Words: "Glad that's over. I'm taking off my armor."

Famous Last Words: "Go ahead! I dare you!"

Famous Last Words: "Ha! I NEVER pay income tax!"

Famous Last Words: "Have I ever let you down before?"

Famous Last Words: "Heck, I could beat Elminster ANYDAY!"

Famous Last Words: "Here, let me show you."

Famous Last Words: "Hey, Cthulhu! Eat me!"

Famous Last Words: "Hey, Dragon - got a light?"

Famous Last Words: "Hey, I know a dragon when I see one."

Famous Last Words: "How many hit points do I have? Let me check."

Famous Last Words: "I bet it's an illusion."

Famous Last Words: "I disarmed the trap."

Famous Last Words: "I don't see any archers..."

Famous Last Words: "I drank WHAT?"

Famous Last Words: "I found the TRAAAAaaaaaaaapppp!"

Famous Last Words: "I go up to the Lich and try to pick his pocket."

Famous Last Words: "I got bit by a what?"

Famous Last Words: "I know that's an illusionary dragon!"

Famous Last Words: "I lit the emergency candle. Why is it hissing?"

Famous Last Words: "I missed with a natural 20?"

Famous Last Words: "I never heard of a Sword of Party Slaying."

Famous Last Words: "I pay my taxes in copper pieces..."

Famous Last Words: "I snap the staff in two..."

Famous Last Words: "I think it's dead..."

Famous Last Words: "I think the dragon's asleep..."

Famous Last Words: "I thought YOU silenced the guard!"

Famous Last Words: "I wait until I can see its eyes..."

Famous Last Words: "I want to challenge my god to a duel..."

Famous Last Words: "I'm not afraid..."

Famous Last Words: "It's dangerous, but think of the XPs!"

Famous Last Words: "It's not poisonous..."

Famous Last Words: "It's perfectly safe. Let me show you..."

Famous Last Words: "Let's not worry about that now..."

Famous Last Words: "Lets goose that sleeping dragon!"

Famous Last Words: "Lolth, Schmolth. Get Ms. Ugly outa my way!"

Famous Last Words: "Lookie that li'l bunny sittin' on the stump"

Famous Last Words: "Magic users are WIMPS!"

Famous Last Words: "Make me! I dare you..."

Famous Last Words: "Mongols? I don' see no Mo-" <THWEEEeeeCHUNK!>

Famous Last Words: "NOTHING does 50-500 points of damage!"

Famous Last Words: "Naw - it's just sleeping..."

Famous Last Words: "No one ever died from it..."

Famous Last Words: "No true wizard ever breaks his word."

Famous Last Words: "Nope. No trap on THIS chest..."

Famous Last Words: "Nothing can penetrate this armor!"

Famous Last Words: "Nothing ever happens on the first level."

Famous Last Words: "Of course I searched for traps."

Famous Last Words: "Oh man, this is a WUSSY dungeon!"

Famous Last Words: "Oh shit!"

Famous Last Words: "Oh, don't be so paranoid..."

Famous Last Words: "One skeleton? No problem..."

Famous Last Words: "Oooops..."

Famous Last Words: "Ow! Where have I put my vorpal sword?!"

Famous Last Words: "Relax. Nothing ever happens at first level."

Famous Last Words: "Right, and I'm the Prince of Thieves..."

Famous Last Words: "So what good is a ring of Cthulhu control?"

Famous Last Words: "Stand back you wimps - I will kill it!"

Famous Last Words: "That could never happen here"

Famous Last Words: "That's its 43rd attack, can I draw my sword now?"

Famous Last Words: "That's not a Beholder. It's a Spectator..."

Famous Last Words: "That's one HELL of a tan, Miss Glasya..."

Famous Last Words: "The GM won't let us die!"

Famous Last Words: "The GM's an idiot."

Famous Last Words: "Then we just clip this little wire here..."

Famous Last Words: "They're JUST kobolds. What're you scared of?"

Famous Last Words: "This dungeon is a pushover."

Famous Last Words: "This is an easy dungeon."

Famous Last Words: "This is the safe way to do it..."

Famous Last Words: "This looks like a safe place to camp."

Famous Last Words: "This should be easy"

Famous Last Words: "This trap is too simple."

Famous Last Words: "Those Orcs couldn't hit an elephant at this range."

Famous Last Words: "Trolls are wimps! Nyah, nyah, nyah!"

Famous Last Words: "Trolls regenerate?"

Famous Last Words: "Trust me! I'm an expert!"

Famous Last Words: "Was I the only one who heard that click?"

Famous Last Words: "Watch me goose that sleeping dragon!"

Famous Last Words: "We hire Orcus to be our guide "

Famous Last Words: "We really didn't need a Cleric anyway."

Famous Last Words: "We should have become farmers..."

Famous Last Words: "Well, I think that's the last of them..."

Famous Last Words: "What do you mean I hit with negative damage?"

Famous Last Words: "What pit?"

Famous Last Words: "What's a 'pantheon' and why is it mad at me?"

Famous Last Words: "What's the worse that town can do? Lynch us?"

Famous Last Words: "Where'd that arrow come from?"

Famous Last Words: "Why is the GM laughing?"

Famous Last Words: "You and what army?"

Famous Last Words: "You saw a WHAT around the corner?"

GM Advice: Used character sheets make good tinder.

"Hi! I'm a Nameless Horror, but you can call me Fred!"

I found an immortality spell with a lifetime guarantee!

I laugh in the face of danger! Then I hide until it goes away.

"I want a dragon as a familiar."

"I'd rather be eaten by a dragon."  "That can be arranged."

"If that bard starts singing '100 Bottles of Beer' again..."

In gaming theory, life's a die, and then you bitch.

It is unwise to meddle in the affairs of wizards.

It's only 1,000 pts of damage. It's not like it's going to kill you.

Jesus saves - Moses invests - Cthulhu squanders

Meddle not in the affairs of dragons.

Mistake #01: Insulting anything twice your size

Mistake #04: Keeping your magical items within reach of children

Mistake #08: Giving your GM a d100 when he rolls to-hit

Mistake #10: Scratching your back with a dagger of venom

Mistake #29: Vandalizing the wizard's guild

Mistake #30: Torturing a deity's favorite cleric

Mistake #31: Grabbing the GM's bag of chips

Mistake #41: Teaching a barbarian how to cast lightning bolts

Mistake #42: Being knighted with a Sword of Life Stealing

Mistake #43: Lifting up the veil at a Medusa wedding

Mistake #44: Breaking into a strange tower surrounded by mist

Mistake #50: Assuming anything

Mistake #51: Forgetting to chip into the GM's pizza fund

Mistake #52: Going to the bathroom during a battle

Mistake #59: Looking for the beauty in the eye of a beholder

Mistake #70: Taking sleep-therapy classes from a vampire

Monsters sleep because you are boring, not because they ever get tired.

Munchkins cast Control Cthulhu.

Naughty dragon! You spank him!!!!!

Never play freeze tag with a White Dragon.

Never trust a barmaid that smiles through 5 o'clock shadow.

Never trust a smiling bard dating your only daughter.

Never trust a smiling crone holding a philter of love.

Never trust a smiling dragon picking its teeth with a two-handed sword.

Never trust a smiling GM.

Never trust a smiling succubus holding a pot of lip rouge.

Never trust a smiling thief throwing dice.

Never trust a smiling tinker gnome in a chastity belt store.

"Never trust anything you can eat." - Old dragon proverb

No one likes a beast with an attitude... or a dragon with a chest-cold.

"Of course I'm a wizard, son. I've got a tall pointy hat!"

Oxymoron: A vampire named Dawn.

Political Correctness: Chaotic Evil characters are now "moral relativists".

Political Correctness: Cursed is now "displaying a non-beneficial magical aura".

Political Correctness: NPCs - henceforth referred to as "free-will impaired".

Political Correctness: NPCs - henceforth referred to as "persons of limited destiny".

Political Correctness: Peasants are now "people of limited resources".

Political Correctness: Thieves are now "agents of economic redistribution".

Political Correctness: Trap doors are now "artifically-induced unstable floors".

Political Correctness: Treasure is now "exploitation of the previously conquered".

Remember, sometimes the dragon wins.

Sometimes, the best magic wand is a 2X4, well wielded...

Speak softly and carry The Staff of the Archmage.

"That's okay, the spikes broke his fall."

The DragonKill War is named for what the dragons DID!

The Dyslexic Bard: Master-of-all-trades, jack of none.

The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.

"What're you going to do," laughed the dragon, "arrest me for smoking?"

When in doubt, FIREBALL!

Wizards don't kill people! SPELLS kill people!

OOC D&D: If they wanted us to go in the front door then they would have locked it!

OOC D&D: By all means try and bluff the eldritch abomination.

OOC D&D: The pigeon knows abyssal.

OOC D&D: Can I roll a common sense roll?

OOC D&D: I'm not going back there! They tried to make my girlfriend a sheep!

OOC D&D: Roll to look uncomfortable.

OOC D&D: They made a bad life choice by being worth XP.

OOC D&D: Space isn't actually that scary when you've eaten a part of it.

OOC D&D: Are the goats heated or air-conditioned?

OOC D&D: Kobolds are just friends we haven't made yet.

OOC D&D: Is this a portal to the elemental plane of bears?

OOC D&D: What would I roll to convince the enemy that I have no nipples?

OOC D&D: So the better we rob him, the legaler it gets?

OOC D&D: The rug will now retaliate for your transgressions.

OOC D&D: Having a corpse on the floor is fine but we draw the line at robot dogs indoors?

OOC D&D: Sorry for any potential damage done to your octopus.

OOC D&D: Do we have to water our motorcycle?

OOC D&D: The dire goat bleats to challenge the bear's dominance.

OOC D&D: So that pocket dimension is now condemned and slowly filling with knife wielding gnomes. That's a deposit I won't ever get back.

OOC D&D: The exploding lions won't kill you!

OOC D&D: Can I perform a "DM is lying" check?

OOC D&D: I was hired to kill you not three minutes ago. At least wait three to five business days before trying to hit on me.

OOC D&D: You successfully put the flesh back on the skeleton.

OOC D&D: I am covered in butter and therefore invincible to all powers but the divine!

OOC D&D: You don't need to skill check a golf clap.

OOC D&D: Did the skeleton look like it was tall and handsome?

OOC D&D: But think about how much we could get if we work really hard for honest pay and then steal everything afterwards.

OOC D&D: Listen, Bro, I know I need to win this game of Operation to save our immortal souls, but like I love you.

OOC D&D: No, you do not attune to the chicken.

OOC D&D: You just hit a big metal door with a big metal hammer, you big metal idiot.

OOC D&D: I ask the spoon for directions.

OOC D&D: Don't flirt with my nemesis!

OOC D&D: Do I have to roll to take their skulls?

OOC D&D: So now you have a gay robot pterodactyl lover.

OOC D&D: It's me I'm a little baby owl. I'm drunk.

OOC D&D: I don't know how finances work! I'm a goblin!

OOC D&D: What do I have to roll to secrete bullets?

OOC D&D: Sorry, I have to go. I, um, left my cat on.

OOC D&D: We have a golden opportunity here to make people think the Rapture has started and they weren't chosen.

OOC D&D: You need to stop stealing people, it won't summon Shaq.

OOC D&D: I don't see the chicken economy in Neverwinter recovering.

OOC D&D: I thought urination was a free action?

OOC D&D: You want to shove a sword through us to unkill us?

OOC D&D: You got a pretty good way, you managed to invent the concept of Italy which is a good start.

OOC D&D: You put on the enchanted mask. It's needlessly dramatic and matches your aesthetic perfectly.

OOC D&D: When someone says they have a really interesting character concept, what they really mean is they have a character who is terrible in groups.

OOC D&D: Can I roll for how good my hair looks?

OOC D&D: Yeah; 'You will not survive,' then 50 hands come out of my back.

OOC D&D: The bandits now wholly and fully believe you are geologists.

OOC D&D: Can I seduce the tree?

OOC D&D: Yeah, if it doesn't have eyes, I generally feel confident in saying... it's not a super normal deer.

OOC D&D: Does the raccoon accept Venmo?

OOC D&D: I was her bagpipe lover.

OOC D&D: Quit hazing the NPCs.

OOC D&D: If they wanted us to go in the front door then they would have locked it!

OOC D&D: If you're not wearing heavy armour you can make bad decisions faster.


OOC D&D: You can come back from the dead, but you can't come back from Florida.

OOC D&D: You crack open the goat egg and out falls a loaf of cheese.

OOC D&D: Sorry about all the arson, I was trying to not die and got carried away.

OOC D&D: He's just lightly possessed.

OOC D&D: We've only got a minute, find the chapter on snake bondage!

OOC D&D: Did your parents never give you the bribes and poisons talk?

OOC D&D: Do you have any of those large pots elves like to boil themselves in?

OOC D&D: I have high hopes for an interesting microclimate phenomenon, but it's probably just magic again.

OOC D&D: You can't be diplomatic when you're covered in someone else!

OOC D&D: Cannibalism is weird, but I do it for my new squid friend.

OOC D&D: Can I do rock paper scissors with god?

OOC D&D: I would like to ask about the flammability of bananas.

OOC D&D: That's when we put them to sleep. With my sleep spell. It's called 'dagger'.

OOC D&D: Nic Cage is now dead.

OOC D&D: Good job. You've lubed the goblin.

OOC D&D: Make an agility check. (rolls 11) You have a good time on the jungle gym.

OOC D&D: This giant goat has an intelligence of 6 and is Chaotic Evil, just like a small child!

OOC D&D: So, you're going to make your unseen servant make sloppy make out noises?

OOC D&D: Unfortunately, you've already used your action to cry.

OOC D&D: Roll against your better judgment.

OOC D&D: I get the sense we've finally encountered a problem where murder isn't the optimal solution.

OOC D&D: I only murdered one guy! How does that make me a bad person?

OOC D&D: Do you have ANY IDEA how hard it is to fit that much glitter into a robot that small?!

OOC D&D: If we hit things enough, plot will fall out.

OOC D&D: We're here to topple your government.

OOC D&D: Congratulations. Because of you, the map is on fire. Permanently.


OOC D&D: For valiantly withstanding your assault, the wall gains 800 xp. The wall levels up, and multiclasses into a door.

OOC D&D: Am I still flanking from inside the frog?

OOC D&D: I investigate the nearest hole. Don't take that out of context.

OOC D&D: Hey kid, I'll show you my eyesocket for two gold.

OOC D&D: I have always wanted to be a pixie ninja. It's been my dream ever since I learned what a ninja was five minutes ago.

OOC D&D: I've never suffered so much to get a library card.

OOC D&D: It's never good when the skull glows.

OOC D&D: You're five years old! And my dad. You're My Five Year Old Dad, the classic 1280s sitcom.

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